Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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