I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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