hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
