"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
