I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
