I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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