drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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