In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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