i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
