there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
