I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You need a sexual gate keeper
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
