when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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