So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That accounts for only three of the penises
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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