I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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