If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
