I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Vodka?
Forever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
