the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
