Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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