Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you never un-have a 4some
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