I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you made out with another girl for some wings
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
