Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
