NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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