Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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