The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
