he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
