Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
