apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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