I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
