she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm sobbing to NWA
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
