She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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