so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So vagazzling was a success
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
