You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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