you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
