Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
do nipples grow back?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
