it was like eating out sand paper
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
