Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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