if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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