I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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