Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
