Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
