I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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