Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize