the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
