so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
