I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
