Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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