i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize