god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
