I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
