mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
