if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
