also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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