i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
