Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
