Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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