Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We're too hungover to prance.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
