I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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