just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
