I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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