Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
