when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
