the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
