I puked a lego.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize