how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
