Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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