Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my liver is dry heaving
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
