I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
