he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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