he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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