Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
