my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
