this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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