Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
