How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
what day is it and did you see me today?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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