TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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